Goodbye to a dear friend

2/15/2008
I just wanted to take a few minutes to write down my thoughts. I have been thinking a lot about Caroline lately. The five-year anniversary of her death is coming up. I can't believe it's been five years. i bet for her mom it doesn't even seem like five days.

When i hear the James Blunt song with the lyrics "I've lived to see a lover's final breadth," I think of her. We weren't lovers of course, but good friends practically overnight. i knew i liked her the minute i met her. and we were so alike. i totally remember how in Lisbon we played this silly game on our way back to the hotel one night-- it was to convince me how alike we really thought. i would think of something in a specific category -- like cities of the world -- and she would try to guess. and then it was my turn. and we would crack up when we got it, which was often enough to validate my theory in my eyes.
i should tell her mom that story. i miss her. i still have the sweaters that her mom let me have. i do wear them. i got an email from Lindsay the other day... is the pain any deeper when you've known someone 10 years versus five months?

2/20/2008
Tonight it was James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover" that had me in tears. Literally tears were streaming down my face, with a sorrow coming from so deep inside that I couldn't tell you where it originated. Why am I so sad? I know that Caroline's in Heaven, enjoying every minute of looking down upon us- me, her mom, her friends, everyone.... so why am I so sad? I feel that I am grieving as hard now as I did at the end of 2003, when her death really hit home for me. Why this year? I understand the time of year... it was five years ago that she told me in a Portugal train/bus station that she would be my Valentine.... I remember it as if it were yesterday. Us making up stories about where we were from... speaking English with French accents... how it was that we spoke English... and lived in Paris... and were travelling in Portugal. I see her smile, her hair, the sparkle in her eyes... it's crazy.
Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.